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NCAA Fiction

By on February 25th, 2014 in Football 4 Comments »

Early morning, apartment interior. Coach Craig and Coach Grimes enter. Coach Craig – Hey kids – The two men stroll inside.

Nick Saban, a young blond-haired surfer kid with a “Flock of Seagulls” haircut, who has yet to say a word, lies on a couch with a hamburger in his hand. Bret Beilema, a white, preppy-looking sort with a buzzcut.

Coach Grimes and Coach Craig take in the place, with their hands in their pockets. Coach Craig is the one who does the talking.

Coach Craig – How you boys doin’? – No answer – Am I trippin’, or did I just ask you a question?

Bret – We’re doin’ okay. As Coach Craig and Bret talk, Coach Grimes moves behind the young Guys.

Coach Craig – Do you know who we are?

Bret shakes his head – No

Coach Craig – We’re associates of your fellow SEC coach Gus Malzahn. You remember your fellow coach dont’ya? – No answer – (to Bret) – Now I’m gonna take a wild guess here: you’re Bret, right?

Bret – I’m Bret.

Coach Craig – I thought so. Well, you remember your fellow SEC coach Gus Malzahn dont’ya Bret?

Bret – I remember him.

Coach Craig – Good for you. Looks like me and Coach Grimes caught you at breakfast. Sorry ’bout that. What’cha eatin’?

Bret – Hamburgers.

Coach Craig – Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda hamburgers?

Bret – Cheeseburgers.

Coach Craig – No, I mean where did you get’em? MacDonald’s, Wendy’s, Jack-in-the-Box, where?

Bret – Big Kahuna Burger.

Coach Craig – Big Kahuna Burger. That’s that Hawaiian joint. I heard they got some tasty burgers. I ain’t never had one myself, how are they?

Bret – They’re good.

Coach Craig – Mind if I try one of yours?

Bret- No Coach Craig grabs the burger and take a bite of it.

Coach Craig – Uuummmm, that’s a tasty burger – (to Coach Grimes) – J.B, you ever try a Big Kahuna Burger? Coach Grimes shakes his head.  You wanna bite, they’re real good. Well, if you like hamburgers give ’em a try sometime. Me, I can’t usually eat ’em ’cause my girlfriend’s a vegetarian. Which more or less makes me a vegetarian, but I sure love the taste of a good burger. (to Bret) You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?

Bret – No.

Coach Craig – Royale with Cheese, you know why they call it that?

BRET – Because of the metric system?

Coach Craig – Check out the big brain on Bret! You’a smart mother, that’s right. The metric system. (he points to a fast food drink cup) What’s in this?

Bret – Sprite.

Coach Craig –Sprite, good, mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down? Coach Craig grabs the cup and takes a sip.

Coach Craig – Uuuuummmm, hit’s the spot! – (to Coach Saban) – You, Flock of Seagulls, you know what we’re here for?

Coach Saban nods his head: Yes

Coach Craig – Then why don’t you tell my boy here J.B., where you got the rule change draft.

Bret – It’s in the cupb –

Coach Craig – I don’t remember askin’ you a damn thing (to Coach Saban) You were sayin’?

Coach Saban – It’s in the cupboard.

Coach Grimes looks in the cupboard, reaches inside and pulls out a black snap briefcase. Coach Grimes flips the two locks, opening the case. We can’t see what’s inside, but a small glow emits from the case. Coach Grimes just stares at it, transfixed.

Coach Craig We happy? No answer from the transfixed Coach Grimes. Coach Grimes! Coach Grimes looks up at Coach Craig. We happy?

Coach Grimes closes the case. Oh yeah, we’re happy.

Bret (to Coach Craig) Look, what’s your name? I got his  name’s J.B., but what’s yours?

Coach Craig – My name’s Daymeune, and you ain’t talkin’ your butt outta this one.

Bret – I just want you to know how sorry we are about how messed up things got between us and Coach Malzahn. When we entered into this thing, we only had the best intentions…

As Bret talks, Coach Craig takes out his gun and SHOOTS Coach Saban three times in the chest. Grimes smiles to himself. Coach Craig has got style. Bret is in shock. He’s not crying or whimpering, but he’s so full of fear, it’s as if his body is imploding.

Coach Craig (to Bret) Oh, I’m sorry. Did that break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do
that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about “best intentions.”

Bret is speechless, staring at the body of Nick Saban

Coach Craig Oh, you were finished? Well, allow me to retort. Would you describe for me what Coach Malzahn looks like?

Bret still can’t speak. Coach Craig SNAPS, SAVAGELY TIPPING the card table over, removing the only barrier between himself and Bret. Bret now sits in a lone chair before Coach Craig like a political prisoner in front of an interrogator. What country you from!

Bret (petrified) W-What?

Coach Craig –“What” ain’t no country I know! Do they speak English in “What?”

Bret (near heart attack) What?

Coach Craig English-dummy! Do-you-speak- it!?

Bret – Yes!

Coach Craig – Now describe what Coach Malzahn looks like!

Bret (out of fear) What?

Coach Craig takes his .45 and PRESSES the barrel to Bret’s forehead.

Coach Craig – Say “What” again! C’mon, say “What” again! I dare ya, I double dare ya dummy, say “What” one more damn time! Bret is regressing on the spot. Now describe to me what Gus Malzahn looks like!

Bret does his best. Bret Well he’s… he’s… white

Coach Craig – Go on!

Bret …and he’s… he’s… got glasses

Coach Craig – Does he substitute illegally?!

Bret (without thinking) What?

Coach Craig’ eyes go to Coach Grimes, Coach Grimes smirks, Coach Craig rolls his eyes and SHOOTS Bret in the shoulder. Bret SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the chair. Does-he-substitute-illegally?!

Bret (in agony) No!

Coach Craig – Then why did you try to slow him down?!

Bret (in spasm) I didn’t!

Coach Craig – Yes you did Bret! Ya tried ta slow him down. And Gus don’t like slowing down for anyone but Mrs. Malzahn! You ever read the NCAA rules, Bret?

Bret (in spasm) Yes.

Coach Craig There’s a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Rule 3, Section 5, Article 2, subsection E – “While in the process of substitution or simulated substitution, Team A is prohibited from rushing quickly to the line of scrimmage with the obvious attempt of creating a defensive disadvantage. If the ball is ready for play, the game officials will not permit the ball to be snapped until Team B has placed substitutes in position and replaced players have left the field of play. Team B must react promptly with its substitutes.”

The two men empty their guns at the same time on the sitting Bret.


  1. Tiger on the mountain Tiger on the mountain says:

    Nice. Well done, Sully, well done.

  2. MyAuburn MyAuburn says:

    There is a fine line between genius and crazy. Methinks you are just barely on the genius side. Good read

    • sullivan013 sullivan013 says:

      Believe it or not, this started as a piece from MacBeth,…

      Third Apparition
      Be lion-mettled, proud; and take no care
      Who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are:
      Saban shall never vanquish’d be until
      Toomer’s Oaks to high Capstone
      Shall come against him.


      That will never be!
      Who can impress the forest, bid the tree
      Unfix his earth-bound root? Sweet bodements! good!
      Rebellious dead, rise never till the wood
      Of Toomers rise, and our high-placed Saban
      Shall live the lease of nature, pay his breath
      To time and mortal custom. Yet my heart
      Throbs to know one thing: tell me, if your art
      Can tell so much, shall Malzahn ever
      Reign in this kingdom?

      Seek to know no more.

      I will be satisfied. Deny me this,
      And an eternal curse fall on you! Let me know.
      Why sinks that cauldron? and what noise is this?

      Show his eyes, and grieve his heart;
      Come like shadows, so depart!

      A show of eight Iron Bowl scores, [the eighth] with
      a ball in his hand, and Malzahn smiling.

      Thou art too like the spirit of Tuberville. Down!
      Thy Foy trophy does sear mine eye-balls. And thy scores,
      Thou other Auburn wins, are like the first!
      A third is like the former. Filthy hags!
      Why do you show me this? A fourth! Start, eyes!
      What, will the line stretch out to the crack of doom?
      Another yet! A seventh! I’ll see no more:
      And yet the eighth appears, who bears a glass
      Which shows me many more; and some I see
      That two-fold balls and treble humiliation carry:
      Horrible sight! Now, I see, ’tis true;
      For the blood-bolter’d Malzahn smiles upon me,
      And points at them for his.

      [Apparitions vanish.]

      I thought Pulp Fiction would be a better match,…

  3. KoolBell KoolBell says:

    Excuse me, anyone seen a sports blog around here?

    I thought this was the address, my mistake. It is a theater I see, and a damn fine one at that.

    I think I’ll sit down and watch the final act…..