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Kick the Tires and Light the Fires

By on November 16th, 2012 in Football 17 Comments »

They came. They saw. They served humility in copious amounts. Just 2 weeks after the worst defensive effort ever at home by the Tigers, the Georgia Bulldogs entered Jordan-Hare last weekend and were kind enough to hold a scrimmage for the fans in attendance. For their trouble, Auburn was awarded a 38-0 thumping that could have been at least twice as bad if Georgia had wanted it to be. As the final seconds mercifully trickled off the clock last Saturday another chapter was added to the ‘encyclopedia of ineptitude’ that Gene Chizik has so masterfully crafted.

For starters, is it too much to ask that our football team looks as though it has actually been active in previous seasons? Nothing improves – ever. We consistently make the same mistakes with signs of an attempt to correct those mistakes nowhere in sight. Gene Chizik’s week-to-week game-planning makes John L. Smith look like Bill Belichick. Two years ago we were on top of the entire country, and now we are in the basement of the SEC playing Xbox360 with Kentucky. How did we get here? Well, let’s take a look at the content of some of those chapters in that encyclopedia.

Gene Chizik’s Encyclopedia of Ineptitude – Table of Contents
Forward by Jay Jacobs
Chapter 3 – COOTIE QUEEN: Wide receivers will give you cooties. With this knowledge in mind, our DB’s will at all times honor a self-imposed 7 yard halo around opposing receivers. When running down field to cover an opposing receiver the DB will keep his eye on the receiver the entire duration of the play in order to avoid accidental contact with the receiver and thus prevent or greatly diminish the chances of the cooties. Our own quarterbacks will also combat this issue by rarely completing passes to our own receivers. Sadly, cooties and wide receivers is a serious problem affecting as much as 1 out of 120 Division 1-A programs in the nation.  

Chapter 5 – Tackling: To correctly bring down an opposing ball-carrier simply pick a spot you think they’ll run to or even one they have already passed and launch yourself full speed at that spot. It is important to keep your arms at your sides when doing this so your hands don’t make it difficult to see where you are going. We wear helmets for a reason. Plus, it just looks cool.

Chapter 11 – Keys to A Successful Offense: When something works, move on to something else so two things will work. When something isn’t working, continue to attempt to make it work so you can begin to work towards having two things work. It’s simple. 

Gene Chizik has established himself as a leading expert on suction and its effects.

I can’t wait until he is done with his chapter on discipline. He’s so busy finding ways to bog down our offense and defense, that he decided to hire  a security firm to enforce his curfew on the players. Because honestly, what head coach has time for stuff like that? And his Auburn Everyday reality program? (Which I admittedly love) It has been cancelled for the remainder of the season. The man could burn Jell-o. I feel for the Seniors on this team that must finish their careers at Auburn in such a torturous manner. Those upperclassmen remaining with the team throughout all of the ups and downs speaks to their character. They are all true Auburn men indeed. 

I’d like for the situation with Chizik to be different but unfortunately he has made himself indefensible. (Even with the 2010 title). Hopefully, Auburn is logging some serious travel time looking for a coach to bring Auburn out of its self-induced coma. So kick the tires and light the fires Dr. Gogue or Jay Jacobs (if you aren’t too busy) or whoever will be “calling the shots” on the next coaching hire. It’s going to be a big decision. If we miss on the next coach Auburn football could find itself playing catch-up for a very long time. 

Keep calm and War Eagle!



  1. KungFuPanda9 KungFuPanda9 says:

    I actually LOL’ed

  2. CapnVegetto says:

    I was saying this stuff all last year. Saw the defensive ineptitude coming in 2010. Even when we were national champions, our pass defense was in the bottom third in the country, total defense wasn’t that good etiher. It’s 3rd and 10? Ok, make sure you DB’s give at least a 12 yard cushion!! Tell me, even in 2010, that you didn’t cringe and expect the worst every time an opposing QB dropped back to pass.

    Ted Roof took a lot of grief in his time here, while I was saying to look at Roof’s record where he previously coached. He was a blitzing, press man coverage type of guy. This back off halo crap is TOTALLY Gene Chizik’s influence, and now we can see why they were yelling at each other on the sidelines. Roof is at Penn State now, and he has that embattled program playing pretty good defense, especially considering what they went through in the offseason and the resulting lack of personnel. Just from a google search, they are currently 30th in the country in total defense. Not too shabby! Still think he’s a bad DC and Auburn’s defense was his fault?

    Chizik is a bad coach. He was a bad coach at Iowa State, he was a bad coach in 2010 when he rode Cam Newton and Gus Malzhan’s coattails, and he’s a bad coach now. This is not sudden… has been in the making for quite some time. If there is anyone out there that still thinks he should get another year, please put the crackpipe down and get into rehab NOW.

    This guy has already set Auburn football back 5 years. If Gogue doesn’t cowboy up and do what needs to be done with Jay Jacobs, (i.e. FIRE HIS ASS), we’ll be set back a decade when they hire Chizik 2.0. I genuniely fear for the future of Auburn football as long as these morons are in charge.

    Right now, sadly enough, Bobby Petrino looks like our best option. I hate it, because Petrino is scum, but he’s scum that just happens to be a briliant football coach. He can at least stop the bleeding, and then when he screws another intern or something, we’ll be in a much better position to make a mega splash hire.

    • Tiger on the mountain Tiger on the mountain says:

      Dude, the problem with Petrino is NOT that he screws his interns. It’s the fact that he gives these interns JOBS through the University with STATE funds; state funds that come from TAXPAYERS.

      Related: Incidentally, these same state funds will be there to aid the University when the interns wises up and claims (rightfully or not, doesn’t matter in this hypothetical, but probable situation) that Petrino took advantage of her with his position of power, etc. etc.. So, yeah. AUsome Hire! I would rather Auburn hire someone from the bowels of Junior College before turning the program over to Petrino.

      With Petrino, we would become vulnerable in ways that would make a 2-8 season, a swiss cheese-like offensive line and a secondary scared of cooties not look so shabby.

  3. mccullars says:

    ALL INCOMPETENT graphic is AUsome!!!

  4. KoolBell KoolBell says:

    First, let me say that this is a well written tongue -in-cheek post. While making humorous overtures, you have also described the heartfelt dissatisfaction we all have for the play we see on the field every week.

    Only criticism I have is the Top Gun picture, with a phrase from Independence Day. The idea got across my pea brain nonetheless. I thoroughly enjoyed this.


    • Derrick Roberts Derrick Roberts says:

      Wow. I’m embarrassed I didn’t know that. In retrospect I do like the Top Gun photo better. “I AM dangerous!”

      • MyAuburn myauburn says:

        I feel the need, the need for speed….which IS from Top Gun would apply very well to this post also. We need to be moving and shaking to save AU football from more repeats of the dumpster fire that is 2012

  5. Tigerstripe Tigerstripe says:

    Jay and Gene are overheard saying as they walk out the door:

    “Maybe I could learn how to be a truck driver. Mav, you have the number of that truck-driving school we saw on TV? Truck Master, I think it is. I might need that.”

  6. Todd92 Todd92 says:

    Concerning discipline….. Please take the time to read this.

    • MyAuburn myauburn says:

      Wow, I am not sure who Will Collier is but he has stones. That is the best, get to the point, piece I have seen written on AU 2012

      • Todd92 Todd92 says:

        So basically Jacobs and Jackson are meddling in the day to day logistics of the team including discipline. All things that should be Chizik’s duties and responsibility….. How much of this is causing problems with the players and the staff?

    • Third Generation Tiger Third Generation Tiger says:

      Collier is exactly right. We are sick and tired of the bush league manner in which our athletic department is being managed. The athletic department is the very public image of our university. I am now wondering how well our academic programs are being managed. There is no excuse for Auburn to be ranked behind UA by any academic measure but there we are, well behind UA in tha annual U.S. News ranking of public colleges and universities. I’ve had enough of these clowns. My youngest will be ready for college in 6-7 years. I refuse to let her attend a university run by morons.

  7. Randyc37 Randyc37 says:

    We can only hope that the Auburn decision makers make the right call once this nightmare is over. Auburn will survive regardless of which decision is made.


  8. Tiger on the mountain Tiger on the mountain says:

    Is anyone else getting nervous about the fact that Gogue has stated that JJ will make the decision on whether to keep Chizputz or not?? It leaves a cold cold place where my gut used to be…..

  9. plains74 says:

    Dr. Gogue is a college president , not a businessman. He realizes that Jacobs needs another year to get his twenty-five in for full retirement. I think Gogue himself is in that situation. It would appear Gogue is more interested in his and Jacobs best interest than Auburns. I though that was why we had a board of trustees. I have no problem with Jacobs staying on another year or so to to reach his retirement, just not athletic director. Give Jacobs a desk by a window and let him count how many cars go by for the next year. I am sure they could make that into some type of grant or study they could sell to the state. I have seen worse! At least he woul be not be able to do any more damage to the athletic dept. He then could get his retirement which I have no problem with. Our football program has the capacity to bring in seventy million a year when it hits on all cylinders. How much will it cost to let Jacobs decide to keep Chiz on another couple of years?

  10. […] Kick the Tires and Light the Fires With this knowledge in mind, our DB's will at all times honor a self-imposed 7 yard halo around opposing receivers. When running down field to cover an opposing receiver the DB will keep his eye on the receiver the entire duration of the play in order … Read more on Track Em Tigers […]

  11. restless6 says:

    James Franklin. Hire him.