Kick the Tires and Light the Fires
They came. They saw. They served humility in copious amounts. Just 2 weeks after the worst defensive effort ever at home by the Tigers, the Georgia Bulldogs entered Jordan-Hare last weekend and were kind enough to hold a scrimmage for the fans in attendance. For their trouble, Auburn was awarded a 38-0 thumping that could have been at least twice as bad if Georgia had wanted it to be. As the final seconds mercifully trickled off the clock last Saturday another chapter was added to the ‘encyclopedia of ineptitude’ that Gene Chizik has so masterfully crafted.
For starters, is it too much to ask that our football team looks as though it has actually been active in previous seasons? Nothing improves – ever. We consistently make the same mistakes with signs of an attempt to correct those mistakes nowhere in sight. Gene Chizik’s week-to-week game-planning makes John L. Smith look like Bill Belichick. Two years ago we were on top of the entire country, and now we are in the basement of the SEC playing Xbox360 with Kentucky. How did we get here? Well, let’s take a look at the content of some of those chapters in that encyclopedia.
Gene Chizik’s Encyclopedia of Ineptitude – Table of Contents
Forward by Jay Jacobs
Chapter 3 – COOTIE QUEEN: Wide receivers will give you cooties. With this knowledge in mind, our DB’s will at all times honor a self-imposed 7 yard halo around opposing receivers. When running down field to cover an opposing receiver the DB will keep his eye on the receiver the entire duration of the play in order to avoid accidental contact with the receiver and thus prevent or greatly diminish the chances of the cooties. Our own quarterbacks will also combat this issue by rarely completing passes to our own receivers. Sadly, cooties and wide receivers is a serious problem affecting as much as 1 out of 120 Division 1-A programs in the nation.
Chapter 5 – Tackling: To correctly bring down an opposing ball-carrier simply pick a spot you think they’ll run to or even one they have already passed and launch yourself full speed at that spot. It is important to keep your arms at your sides when doing this so your hands don’t make it difficult to see where you are going. We wear helmets for a reason. Plus, it just looks cool.
Chapter 11 – Keys to A Successful Offense: When something works, move on to something else so two things will work. When something isn’t working, continue to attempt to make it work so you can begin to work towards having two things work. It’s simple.
I can’t wait until he is done with his chapter on discipline. He’s so busy finding ways to bog down our offense and defense, that he decided to hire a security firm to enforce his curfew on the players. Because honestly, what head coach has time for stuff like that? And his Auburn Everyday reality program? (Which I admittedly love) It has been cancelled for the remainder of the season. The man could burn Jell-o. I feel for the Seniors on this team that must finish their careers at Auburn in such a torturous manner. Those upperclassmen remaining with the team throughout all of the ups and downs speaks to their character. They are all true Auburn men indeed.
I’d like for the situation with Chizik to be different but unfortunately he has made himself indefensible. (Even with the 2010 title). Hopefully, Auburn is logging some serious travel time looking for a coach to bring Auburn out of its self-induced coma. So kick the tires and light the fires Dr. Gogue or Jay Jacobs (if you aren’t too busy) or whoever will be “calling the shots” on the next coaching hire. It’s going to be a big decision. If we miss on the next coach Auburn football could find itself playing catch-up for a very long time.
Keep calm and War Eagle!