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Dear Pete

By on December 6th, 2013 in Football 27 Comments »
PIctured: Pete Thamel, world renowned Unicorn expert.

Pictured: Pete Thamel, world renowned Unicorn expert.

Pete Thamel of Sports Illustrated published an article earlier this week advising Gus Malzahn to bolt from Auburn upon the first chance he got along with some reasons as to why he should do so. After double-checking that he hadn’t inadvertently published an article intended for The Onion by mistake, I decided to respond to his unsolicited “advice” and also return the favor.

Dear Pete,

First of all, I sincerely hope you were paid to write this piece [advising Malzahn to bolt from Auburn]. I don’t mean paid your standard salary for whatever it is gossip/advice columnists are making these days. I mean I hope you were literally a hired gun on this – otherwise you have become the sole party responsible for the pettiest, childish, and most baseless piece of sports-journalism ever.
It is ridiculous. It is ‘North Korean newspaper Kim Jong-Il golf escapades story’ ridiculous.

The worst part of the “you being a hired gun theory” is that you didn’t even earn the bounty. Instead of carrying out the hit, you placed a whoopee-cushion in your target’s seat only to later realize it was your own chair all along.

Your motivations aside, why does any of this even matter? Was Auburn’s recent success too much to digest? Because Auburn is some “white whale” you have been chasing through the sea of your own malevolent idiotic ramblings of the past in hopes of restoring some of the credibility you once possibly had?

Oh, and speaking of fictional creatures…

At any given point in the article, you can’t even seem to make up your mind as to what profound point you are trying to make. It is literally just a list of unrelated negative things that have happened with the football program – with questionable cryptozoology conjecture regarding the migration habits of unicorns used to “really drive home your point” I guess?

Allow me to provide a brief summary of your position:

Malzhan should leave Auburn because he’s too good of a coach to have his career ruined by being at Auburn because he is having a great season but it is a lucky season because pendulums have to swing both ways otherwise I guess they wouldn’t be pendulums – they’d be something else – and you might see one unicorn but never more than that because Bobby Lowder pays them to travel solo and players are getting in to too much trouble at Auburn – not too much when compared to other SEC schools – but too much for a school whose integrity I am attacking and selectively holding different aspects of to varying standards of quality and something about a terrible awful 13-month NCAA investigation that actually found absolutely nothing wrong and- WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT, PETE?

I am sure you are pleased with this article’s attention and the traffic it has generated for both you personally and Sports Illustrated. Money is king – and I understand publishing stories that stir emotion are good for business these days.

Just remember what other people say about those who play in traffic. 


  1. restless6 says:


  2. AUJTJarhead AUJTJarhead says:

    Pete had his girlfriend stolen and his arse kicked by a skinny Auburn student once.

  3. ATL_AU_FAN ATL_AU_FAN says:


  4. Third Generation Tiger Third Generation Tiger says:

    Looks like Pete’s uni-brow is growing back in rather nicely.

  5. MyAuburn MyAuburn says:

    Weathermen and sports journalists…two jobs where you get paid to be wrong most of the time. Wow, what a hack.

  6. Tiger on the mountain Tiger on the mountain says:

    “WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT, PETE?”——-Exactly, dude, exactly.

    Personally, I think it is the combination of Auburn’s wild success this season in combination with the overall LACK of controversy that drove Thamel to the brink. Not that there was a lack of controversy elsewhere in college football (FSU, sadly looking at you), it just wasn’t at Auburn.

    Thanks for not posting a link. I have not read it-other than block quotes from other articles. I refuse to give the article traffic.

    • wpleagle wpleagle says:

      I actually posted the link a couple of days ago – see reader post, “Where’s the GusBus going?”

    • AubTigerman AubTigerman says:

      Sorry but Thamel was not “driven” to the brink.
      He is a serial Auburn hater and one of the main hypocritical accusers of AU back in 2010. He was proven wrong as was his friends at ESPN but will never admit he was wrong instead he looks for ways to sling more mud against the wall, hoping some of it will stick and make people believe he has been right all along.

      He especially tips his hand to his deep seated hatred when he writes this junk at a time when Auburn is universally receiving good press for the Iron Bowl win. He is not worthy of the title of journalist which is probably why Finebaumn is cool with having him on his circus radio show once a week. He, Finebaumn, and Danny Sheridan are cut from the same cloth. I do agree with you TotM that it was good we did not provide a link to this dirty piece of garbage. If it came out in print, it wouldn’t be clean enough to line my trash can.

      Now back to focusing on the SEC Championship game.

  7. War_Eagle_2010 War_Eagle_2010 says:

    Can we get a smaller pic for the article? He gives me the creeps.

  8. GRT2BAUTIGER says:

    The fact that Gene Chizik still resides in Auburn and how highly he regards the AU fan base and community speaks volumes. I do not expect Thamel to know anything about the Auburn family or community.
    Haven’t read the SI article and don’t have any desire to for that matter, but did he mention how many coaches Bama ran through before Saban? How many programs are going through the coaching shuffle right now to find that competitive edge?
    I am sure everyone wishes Tuberville had the IT factor to win championships. I am sure Gene Chizik wishes he hadn’t tried to make such drastic changes on both sides of the ball while at the same time replacing so many key leaders on the team. These were situations the AD had to respond to and not situation they created internally.
    What happened to sports journalists writing about sports? Does this guy know there is a game this Saturday?

    WDE, Beat Mizzou!!

  9. Col.Angus Col.Angus says:

    First off, don’t the folks at SI, ESPN and every liberal news outlet, lose their mind when a coach bolts for the money to coach somewhere else, while the student/athletes have to lose a year of eligibility to transfer?
    I mean, we just heard it ad nauseum last week about Sarkesian leaving for USC, and now you are openly politicking for Malzahn to bolt for Texas??? All while the rest of the on air mouth breathers spout the same nonsense??? Typical.

    Anyway I wouldn’t worry about Gus leaving just yet. This is the typical flavor of the week controversy that is made up, so that these “ethical guardians of the oppressed and dispossessed” can releive them of some their ill gotten gains. Vomit.

    If Texas is dumping Mack Brown, it won’t be for Gus. He’s not a big enough fish…not yet. Mack may not have won enough championships for their taste but he has still won a ton of games for them and still recruits well. They will want someone with a long-standing PROVEN track record. It starts with Saban, and that is why this story was written.

    • Third Generation Tiger Third Generation Tiger says:

      For all their bluster, Texas can only claim 4 national championships, one being a BCS chamionship. They talk big, spend lots of money, play in a weak conference, and frequently underachieve.

  10. auburn487 says:

    My first post but I have enjoyed this site all year. I finished high school in ’78 in north Alabama, you want to know what hard is go nine years without wining against that team we did 6 days ago is hard.

    On to little petey, I looked up his back ground and it spoke volumes about the man, and why he is the way he is. He finished school in 1999 from Syracuse U, and those of us old enough, we all should remember the class and dignity they displayed, to Coach Dye and Auburn for scoring the extra point in the Sugar Bowl.

    So with that in mind remember you will ripe what you sow. Syracuse also had a known sexual predator as assist basketball coach for 30 years, which was longer than Penn State’s man.

    War Eagle and Go Big Blue

    • Acid Reign Acid Reign says:

      ……How about that? I’m a “class of 78” guy, also! Like the Syracuse fans, I hated that Pat Dye went for the tie. However, by that time I knew enough about matchups that it was the right decision. Syracuse had a monster defensive line, and it was 4th and long. There was no way Jeff Burger was going to get enough time for our receivers to run to the end zone. Dye salvaged a tie out of that game, rather than taking a 1 in 100 shot.

      ……We did have an interesting series with the Orangemen about a dozen years ago. We took freshman quarterback Jason Campbell up there to New York a week after 9-11, and there was a lot of emotion on that Syracuse sideline. Campbell had the freshman jitters, and they were just too strong for Auburn. The next year at Jordan Hare, Campbell came off the bench with the Tigers trailing 17-0, and led Auburn back to overtime. In triple overtime, the running of Carnell “Cadilac” Williams made the difference, and Auburn won, 37-34.

      …..It was back during the Paul Pasqualoni era, when they were pretty decent. Pasqualoni succeeded Dick McPherson, the coach that was so upset with the Dye Tie. Pasqualoni won most of the time, over his 15 or so seasons, including Big East titles in 1997, 1998, and 2004. Despite winning the Big East in 2004, Syracuse went to the “Champs Sports Bowl” and got thumped by Georgia Tech 51-14. The idiots up there fired him, and replaced him with Greg Robinson, who went something like 10-37 over 4 years. They haven’t been relevant since.

      • Tiger on the mountain Tiger on the mountain says:

        That game up in Syracuse…that was Dwight Freeney, all night long…..even in college he was terrorizing many a backfield…..

      • uglyjoe says:

        I was at the tie game. Seems Coach Dye made a bunch of money for Auburn by autographing the box of ties that Syracuse sent to him after the game. I always thought that was a very clever move.

  11. MyAuburn MyAuburn says:

    Just wandered over to the SBN Mizzou page. Pretty classy folks over there. Should make for a much more enjoyable trip to Atl.

  12. AUJTJarhead AUJTJarhead says:

    Thamel and Fiutak over at have always been blatantly biased against Auburn. I no longer peruse anything they associate themselves with.

  13. MyAuburn MyAuburn says:

    On the Mizzou SBN site I read the weather is keeping some of them away from the game, might be some empty seats in their section.

  14. Acid Reign Acid Reign says:

    …..Driving through ice would be a daunting challenge. I’m watching it closely, myself. If there’s any chance the Tragic City is going to get hit, I’m up and headed east. Should be a wild game. I’m figuring Auburn’s got to score more than 40 to win, on that fast track.

  15. TigerHistalmos TigerHistalmos says:

    Great points all together made. Makes Thamel look even more foolish now since a contract extension has been locked up.