Pete Thamel of Sports Illustrated published an article earlier this week advising Gus Malzahn to bolt from Auburn upon the first chance he got along with some reasons as to why he should do so. After double-checking that he hadn’t inadvertently published an article intended for The Onion by mistake, I decided to respond to his unsolicited “advice” and also return the favor.
First of all, I sincerely hope you were paid to write this piece [advising Malzahn to bolt from Auburn]. I don’t mean paid your standard salary for whatever it is gossip/advice columnists are making these days. I mean I hope you were literally a hired gun on this – otherwise you have become the sole party responsible for the pettiest, childish, and most baseless piece of sports-journalism ever.
It is ridiculous. It is ‘North Korean newspaper Kim Jong-Il golf escapades story’ ridiculous.
The worst part of the “you being a hired gun theory” is that you didn’t even earn the bounty. Instead of carrying out the hit, you placed a whoopee-cushion in your target’s seat only to later realize it was your own chair all along.
Your motivations aside, why does any of this even matter? Was Auburn’s recent success too much to digest? Because Auburn is some “white whale” you have been chasing through the sea of your own malevolent idiotic ramblings of the past in hopes of restoring some of the credibility you once possibly had?
Oh, and speaking of fictional creatures…
At any given point in the article, you can’t even seem to make up your mind as to what profound point you are trying to make. It is literally just a list of unrelated negative things that have happened with the football program – with questionable cryptozoology conjecture regarding the migration habits of unicorns used to “really drive home your point” I guess?
Allow me to provide a brief summary of your position:
Malzhan should leave Auburn because he’s too good of a coach to have his career ruined by being at Auburn because he is having a great season but it is a lucky season because pendulums have to swing both ways otherwise I guess they wouldn’t be pendulums – they’d be something else – and you might see one unicorn but never more than that because Bobby Lowder pays them to travel solo and players are getting in to too much trouble at Auburn – not too much when compared to other SEC schools – but too much for a school whose integrity I am attacking and selectively holding different aspects of to varying standards of quality and something about a terrible awful 13-month NCAA investigation that actually found absolutely nothing wrong and- WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT, PETE?
I am sure you are pleased with this article’s attention and the traffic it has generated for both you personally and Sports Illustrated. Money is king – and I understand publishing stories that stir emotion are good for business these days.
Just remember what other people say about those who play in traffic.