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A Departure From the Norm for me…..Read at Your Own Risk

By on September 12th, 2013 in Member Post 17 Comments »

I have been putting off writing this column all week, knowing that there will soon be a special place in hell reserved just for me.  But I just can’t help myself.  I have suffered with this since Saturday evening, right after our beloved Tigers finished beating the crap out of Arkansas State on the plains.  At that point, I knew what was coming this Saturday.  I knew that this week, for a variety of reasons, in my mind our Tigers would take a backseat against the Bulldogs. 

There is one main reason, which we will get to in a moment.  Normally, this week is bittersweet for me, because my father went to Mississippi State and is, of course, a die hard Dawg fan.  I grew up cheering for the Dawgs, and for all but one week out of the year, I still do.  This year, though, this is not the most important game to me.  Feel free to post comments demanding your thirty pieces of silver from me after you read the following line.  I would not blame you. 

This week, I am a Bammer.

That’s right.  This week, my undying, eternal hatred for the turds is officially albeit temporarily suspended  thanks to one diabolical little spoiled brat:  Johnny Manziel. 

I literally hate everything about this little bitch.  Everything.  I hate his punk ass attitude, I hate his trash talk, I hate his constant “LOOK AT ME!!!!!’, (My God, he’s like Paris Hilton with a p**is), I hate how he breaks rules and never pays any consequences, I hate his twitter feeds, I hate the fact that he won the Heisman last year thanks to playing behind 3 1st round NFL offensive lineman and he never gives them any credit, I hate that because he acted like such a punk ass little twat, that he got kicked out of Archie Manning’s football camp, dissapointed the hell out of some kids that came to see him, and never offered a sincere apology.

My God, I could do this all day.  This little turd bump is the easiest person to hate I have ever seen.  What is amazing to me is the fact that he seems to know he is a spoiled little (curse word involving bodily waste) and he doesn’t even care.  He thinks the rules don’t apply to him because he is JOHNNY FOOTBALL.  He is the living, breathing embodiment of every single spoiled little rich kid quarterback high school bad guy Molly Ringwald 80’s movie BRAT. 

To top it all off, I now live in Texas, and have to deal with A&M fans.  They are like Bammers, only worse, because they’ve never actually WON ANYTHING to back up all their trash talk.  At least the turds have some BCSNC’s to back up their insufferable blathering. 

This week, I am a Bammer.  I am an Auburn graduate, on an Auburn blog, writing about how this week I will be cheering for Bama.  I expect lightning to strike me any second now, and I deserve it.  But I hate Johnny Football that much.  Nothing would make me happier this week then to see some 350 lb lineman plant his cocky little ass straight through the turf, then see him struggle to his feet crying like the little bitch that he is.  I know I am going to hell for this, and I accept it.

To see Johnny Football down there with me will be worth it. 


  1. wde1988 wde1988 says:

    You are in unique company… you and Sir Charles.


  2. Acid Reign Acid Reign says:

    …..Yeah, Barkley compared him to Miley Cyrus. I can’t lose, on that game. Either JFF gets taken down, or Bama does. I’m going to be smiling either way.

  3. zotus zotus says:

    Well, I must say Cap’n, that’s a 3-bank shot to Updyke-ville if I’ve ever seen one.

    Maybe, some day soon, you will be able to figure out a way to scheme to have Aggy lose every game they play, without having to declare yourself to be a ‘Bammer.’

    Now, that would be a good thing!

  4. KungFuPanda9 KungFuPanda9 says:

    Well, Cap, I share your feelings about Manziel, but maybe down a notch or two. I am not “pulling” for Bama to win. I just think Saban won’t lose to the same team twice since it was the only team that beat him and it’s all he’s heard about for a year. I don’t have to obsess about it because Saban is carrying that water with a vengeance.

    Either way, you’re right. One of these teams has to lose.

  5. AUJTJarhead AUJTJarhead says:

    Well Cap, it’s like this. A number of years back on deployment, a young Florida grad 2nd Lieuee asked me if I would be pulling for bammer to beat LSU since we had lost to LSU earlier in the year. I replied “absolutely not!”
    Auburn should have taken care of business when we had the chance!

    I would pull for the Taliban agains the Updykes and I have personally sent some Taliban to meet the Lord Jesus, If you get my drift.

    Renounce your degree and Alum status. Flee to the Sanctuary City of Tuscaloser and never be heard from on this site again!

  6. MyAuburn MyAuburn says:

    As much as I agree on the dislike for JFF I can not, under any circumstances pull for UAT. Similar to AUJT jarhead, if UAT were playing Iraq and Sadaam Hussein were head coach with Putin as the star running back and Bin Ladin were the quarterback…I would pull for Iraq.

  7. Tiger on the mountain Tiger on the mountain says:

    Wow that’s a lot of hate! It’s a tough call on Saturday-it’s a lose-lose for everyone. If Bama wins, then they are vanquishing all foes and it’s them against the world (and the NCAA), but if A&M wins, well the legend of Johnny Football grows–and it’s already too big. I’m just going to find peace in at least one them losing. So, good luck to you sir.

  8. sullivan013 sullivan013 says:

    The short answer is: No, not under any circumstance could I even entertain the thought of pulling for the Tide.

    Not if TAMU had a hundred players like Manziel on the team. Not if I was bitten by Reveille. Not if I could sink the entire Corp of Cadets in the seventh pit (too late, they’re already there -Never did meet a TAMU officer I liked while in the service).

    If it was a choice between winning the Powerball and retiring immediately or working as a ditch digger for the rest of my life, I’d whistle the Auburn fight song while I slung the shovel.


  9. auh20 auh20 says:

    Manziel’s antics in today’s constant, microscopic media examination seem much worse than they really are. If Joe Willie Namath or Snake Stabler were in their youth today, you’d think they were just as azzolish as JohnnyMF.
    In my humble opinion, of course.
    I too cannot fathom a reason to EVER pull for the Borg Tide. Don’t be assimilated. Resistance is NOT futile.

  10. Third Generation Tiger Third Generation Tiger says:

    If Alabama Played the Militant Muslim All-Stars, I would wish for the stadium to implode, after Militant Muslim All-Stars opened up a lead.

  11. AUJTJarhead AUJTJarhead says:

    I challenged myself to see if I could think of any scenario where I would pull for the updykes. “My bride asked what if alabama was playing Satan and his demons?” I told her, “A house divided against itself, cannot stand.”

  12. wde1988 wde1988 says:

    The thing I would offer to any QB if you wanted to have an example in how to carry yourself when you are under the scrutiny of the press…. regardless if it is Johnny football or AJ McCarron would be…

    wait for it….


    That my friend is how a heisman trophy winner… and NFL starting QB should act. A complete gentlemen.


  13. wde1988 wde1988 says:

    Regardless of what happens on Saturday, I am still hopeful the State of Alabama will retain the National Championship trophy… one more year.

    If you are going to dream…. dream BIG!


  14. Col.Angus Col.Angus says:

    HaHa. Nice post Cap.
    I really dislike Manziel myself, mainly because he fooled me into telling my son that is how to act, during his Heisman acceptance, with his proud dad crying like a baby. Now I have had to renounce him. I wonder what his father thinks of his antics, I know he can’t be proud now.
    That being the case, there is no way in hell I would ever root for Bama, unless maybe they were playing the equally despised Thugs from UGA. It’s a coin flip to me, normally going to the team having the worse season.
    Here’s hoping that Manziel has a field day and puts up 50+ points on the updykes and then the updykestarget him out of vengeance and he suffers a horrific Lattimoresque knee dislocation and multiple compound fracture that ends his football career. Cruel? Yes… But that kid has gotten far more out of his career already than he deserves, and maybe…just maybe that will teach the value of humility.

  15. Tigerstripe Tigerstripe says:

    Wow, I wish I would have seen this earlier. I was hoping for a TAM win with JM blowing his ACL… Winner, winner, chicken dinner…

    You’ve got to get this kid out of your head. You’ve given him way too much power over your emotions. Here is some encouragement:
    – He will never play a down as an NFL QB
    – He’s not even aware of how others view him, not even his teammates…
    – He has to wake up tomorrow and be JM and you GET to wake up and be Cap…
    – Karma is a bitch, give her time to draw back her bow and watch the young man unravel before your eyes
    – Don’t ever pull for bama again