How About a Cold One in Jordan-Hare Stadium?

By Posted on: March 10th, 2014 in Football 16 Comments »

Fraternity boys across the South must be pinching themselves today. Is it really true? Might the SEC allow beer sales during college football games? They are at least going to take a look at it.

SEC officials plan to discuss the subject during league meetings this spring, with an eye on perhaps allowing neutral site games such as Georgia-Florida and Arkansas-Texas A&M to sell beer at those venues.

Many believe this is a first step in allowing beer sells campus wide. LSU Athletic Director Joe Alleva is one who is open to the idea.

“(Selling beer at football games) would enhance the fan experience,” Alleva recently told “I don’t think that’s something that would necessarily be a negative for drunkenness and it might curtail the drunkenness if you sold beer.

“Right now, they drink excessively in the parking lot before they come in because they can’t get alcohol inside. Perhaps if they had access in the stadium, they wouldn’t drink as much when they come in. I think it’s something we have to talk about.”

I’m shocked it’s the LSU guy who’s leading the charge.

Of course, if you have enough money, drinking is allowed at Jordan-Hare Stadium. It has been for 25 years. Just pony up the 60 grand for a private suite and you can drink until you drop. Believe me; I’ve done it – as someone’s guest.

There was a time in my life where I’d been turning back flips at the suggestion. Now I’m not so sure. There are already enough morons sitting around me that come in juiced up prior to kickoff. The idea of them drinking for four more hours is something that gives me pause.

A lot of people bring in their stash now. I’ll never forget the time I was behind the young student pushing his friend through the gate in a wheel chair. The chair bound student handed the attendant his ticket, while a blanket draped his legs.

There was nothing unusual about it until they got 25 feet inside, at which point the handicapped student rose from his chair, chunked the wheel chair and out came a keg of beer that quickly disappeared into the student section.

I stood there in astonishment and admiration. Do we really want to take that kind of ingenuity away from our young people by making beer sales legal?

The discussion suggests a complete 180 degree change from the SEC’s past policies on alcohol. Just eight years ago, the league asked CBS to stop referring to the Georgia-Florida game as The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Now it’s looking at taking the party inside.

In an era where season ticket sales are on the decline due to the advent of inexpensive big screen, high definition television sets and satellite providers who carry every league game, schools are looking at ways to enhance the game day experience.

The fact that commissioner Mike Slive has been quiet on the subject suggests that changes may ultimately come.

“Up to now, we like our rule,” Slive said. I think this is an area where we want to walk slowly and carefully.”

That’s a long way from being opposed.

Financially the move makes lots of sense. From a common sense standpoint, it’s completely idiotic. We all take our football too serious in the South. Allowing beer drinking to move inside after a long day of tailgating will cause big problems. Ask the NFL.

When families stop coming, the sport will suffer. I’m all for having a beer or six before the game. But let’s keep the party outside. Who needs to keep drinking when you’ve got Gus Malzahn’s team on the field?

There’s nothing that can top that.

Auburn’s Major Sport Head Coaches.

By Posted on: March 6th, 2014 in Baseball, Basketball, Football 6 Comments »
Head Coach

Where do they stand?
(Photo by Acid Reign.)

     War Eagle, everybody. Fat Tuesday has come and gone, and it’s the season for giving things up. Frankly, I’m for giving up cold and ice threats, and trading in for storms, bugs and the stink of blooming Bradford pear trees. Spring football just can’t get here fast enough! So, which of Auburn’s Big Three sports head coaches would you be willing to give up for Lent?

     For Auburn fans, much is right with the world when the football team wins championships. Head football coach Gus Malzhan’s job is safe after leading Auburn to a “worst to first” SEC Title in his first season. Time will tell if success is sustainable. Remember, Terry Bowden won his first 20 games at Auburn.

     The Tiger football team scored a victory of sorts yesterday, as the NCAA Rules committee tabled a proposed “ten second rule” aimed at slowing down hurry-up offenses. Despite frantic lobbying by Nick Saban and Bret Bielema, I think wiser heads prevailed. While the debate is hardly over, college football fans are safe from this rule for this year, at least.

     Nick Saban reached for new levels of ridiculousness in the argument this week, comparing hurry-up offenses to smoking cigarettes. So Nick, you’re the self-appointed Surgeon General of the NCAA now? And I suppose you have peer-reviewed studies linking the hurry-up to cancer? No? I will give Saban credit for having his fall guy Bret Bielema ready just in case.


     A week ago, I cautiously spoke to minimal improvements in Auburn’s mens basketball program, what I thought were Tiger chances of reaching the post-season and saving head coach Tony Barbee’s job. Since that piece, the Tigers have imploded. First, the Tigers bricked a double-digit loss to a bad Alabama team, then was blown out at home on Senior Night by Tennessee.

     The Vols took leads of 10-0, 22-4, 27-6, and posted a 44-20 halftime lead, en route to an 82-54 win. Tony Barbee now has 50 SEC losses in just 4 seasons, and took a 28 point beating on his home floor against a team that was just 4-8 on the road. On top of that, Barbee walked out of his post-game press conference after being asked about his job security. Stick a fork in him. He’s done. All that remains this season is a road loss to Texas A&M, and an early exit from the SEC tourney. Even if Barbee is kept on, he loses 4 seniors and will be starting from scratch again next season.

     Auburn baseball woes continue with a 4-3 loss to Alabama in the Capital City Classic. A throwing error gave the Tide the winning run, but the real story was that Auburn only managed 3 hits in the entire game, against a very mediocre 6-5 Crimson Tide team.

     Auburn’s baseball record stands at 5-5, and the tough SEC season is just starting. The lightning rod for criticism thus far has been new head coach Sunny Golloway. I’ll give the man this. He’s not shy about speaking his mind. He’s still insisting that Auburn will make it to the college world series in Omaha this season. I’m betting that he’s seen a UFO or two, and has spotted Bigfoot, too.

     Golloway has shaken the team up with some dismissals and demotions, and most folks agree that the team’s effort has improved. Were these things wisely handled, as Golloway tossed them out into the court of public opinion? I’m not so sure, but I would rather have a coach that tells it like he thinks it is, rather than say, the “good practices this week and things of that nature” we got from a former football coach on a weekly basis while the program was free-falling off the cliff.

     I like a coach who tries to educate his fans. Golloway has repeated that his batters are taking too many called third strikes. That’s a legitimate strategy point, although a bit of a simplistic statement. If guys always swing when the count’s at two strikes, the pitcher will throw it in the dirt every time at that juncture. Galloway preaches being aggressive, and I think he’s right on that score. College baseball has become a pitching and fielding game, after the rules committee dumbed-down the bats a few years back. You’ve got to get runs any way you can. Gone are the days of the 19-17 home-run derby.

     I’m looking forward to the tales of spring football! Auburn has a lot of talent and momentum returning, but there are some areas of concern, as with any team this time of year. I think the biggest area of concern will be the defensive secondary. Jermaine Whitehead and Jonathan Mincy are proven winners. Everyone else healthy on the roster saw action mainly in the second half against teams like Western Carolina and Florida Atlantic. Auburn will be trying to develop some pass defenders, with Marshall and Johnson throwing rockets at them. Should be very interesting!

     Other areas of interest include the defensive line, linebacker, and special teams. Auburn must replace three defensive linemen who took part in the recent Pro Day, but there is a stockpile of depth returning. Who’ll come out on top, and will they be as slow this year to make noise as last year’s group was?

     Auburn must replace Cody Parkey and Steven Clark, who were pretty stellar performers during their careers kicking the ball at Auburn. Will the newcomers struggle, or be stars? How does Auburn replace suddenly-superstar Chris Davis in the return game? Quite honestly, I think the linebacker questions are mainly about depth. I think Frost, McKinzy and Therezie will be good SEC-caliber defenders. Who’ll give them meaningful relief off the bench?

The Bane of Heightened Expectations II

By Posted on: March 5th, 2014 in Football 3 Comments »

Greetings, O football-starved compatriots of the Orange and Blue!  It’s been quite a while since I have darkened the door of our corner lot (or express drive-thru, if you prefer) on the information superhighway.  As someone who readily admits to a lack of technical knowledge of football, I thought I would let that annual orgy of anticipation and prognostication known as National Signing Day come and go, and get out of the way of those on our staff with more ability to comment upon those happenings.

In addition, I am just now getting over our defeat from early January.  Not angry, bitter, nor even disappointed–just a really, really sad feeling when I think of Auburn.  Feeling this way is of course ridiculous, when compared to the real-world things I and many people close to me have been experiencing—births, deaths, illnesses, all those things much more significant than football—not to mention the fact that we exceeded our wildest dreams for last year.  Nonetheless, this loss hit me harder than any other loss since I started caring about sports in general and AU in particular.  Sand Mountain Tiger wrote a good piece here some time ago, capturing most of what I felt.

However, I can now finally put those feelings aside (yeah, the same way I can our rooking in 1983) and start looking ahead.  This brings me back to something I wrote here following the aTm game:  Although we exceeded anything we could have expected in the last campaign, that only raises our expectations even more for next year.

Even with the notable player losses to both graduation and early draft exit, AU is looking like a monster for next year.  Our coaching staff is intact.  The installed offense will not be derailed (despite certain crimson-clad coaches’ efforts to the contrary), and our remaining and incoming personnel appear to have reloaded the Gus Blunderbuss for another loud series of BOOMS.  Furthermore, I do not think we will ever have to worry about these young men fighting till the end in any game.  With all of this going for us, we have set a high standard to measure the success of next year’s campaign.

My definition of success doesn’t rest on a particular win-loss total; rather, I see it as a function of two factors…. 

First, it is a matter of WHO we have to beat.  I honestly feel that any season that doesn’t include a beatdown of LSU (to get us off that one-out-of-the-last-seven schneid) and a win against either or both Bama or the Dawgs (so all that “lucky” talk stops RIGHT NOW) will not be a success.  One other defeat to a worthy team in a worthy battle would be acceptable, along with maybe a loss in an epic-level SEC Championship Game.  A win and a loss in the new playoffs would be still be a beautiful thing for AU, as would a bowl victory if we somehow end up Number Five in the eyes of the selection committee (and if that happens, then damn their eyes).

If you factor in all those things, I don’t think many of us will be very happy without squeezing out an 11-2, 11-3, or 13-2 season next year, including at least a split in the post-season.  Still, I think calling next season a good season hinges on our performances against our Big Three (LSU, UGA, and Bama).

But there is one more factor involved in a successful season for me.  2010 and 2013 cannot appear as flukes.  For Auburn to assume its rightful place among  the powers of the football earth, next season must include stuffing a metaphorical sock in the pie-holes of ANYONE who thinks AU is a second- or third-rate program.  Of course, some pie-holes are larger than others, and require a larger sock to muffle; some pie-holes may be too large for anything to quiet them down, being directly proportional to the orifice at the other end (looking at you, Finebaum).

I take great pride in the point Coach Chizik made several times during his tenure:  Auburn was great before any of us walked the campus, and Auburn will be great long after we are spread onto the playing field (either literally or figuratively).  WE know that.  WE also know that AU is more than eleven teenagers chasing a leather spheroid across a patch of grass.  But let’s face it—we also want to be on top.  We want to be able to say “WE’RE NUMBER ONE!”  But even more so, we want to be in a position to say that the object of our fandom is LEGIT—not lucky, not a fluke, not winning due to “dirty play” or improper activity.

I find it comforting that, in our minds, we don’t have to win championships (or even make them up) to feel that sense of validation.  But I really, really, REALLY am tired of hearing all the baloney from certain other fanbases, either through the internet or face-to-face.  I want a season next year that, if it can’t keep those folks quiet, at least makes them look like patent idiots for trying to question AU’s legitimacy.

I have pondered and pondered what would make me happy with Auburn football, and I think I finally hit upon it.  I just hope that we can finally succeed in this endeavor.  After that, of course, the expectations will go even higher….

Michael Val

(who was playing with house money last year, and is going ALL IN again next year!)

Question: On the EVE of the ‘Saban Rule’ Vote … Will Bert and Nicky Get Away With it?

By Posted on: March 5th, 2014 in Featured Article, Football 23 Comments »
9GvKO95-360 - Bielema & Saban

It’s all coming to a head tomorrow. The ‘Saban Rule’ that is, it’s scheduled for a vote on March 6th by the NCAA playing rules oversight panel. If it passes it could take effect in the 2014 season. The rule would allow defenses time to substitute between plays as well as give defenders some ability to time the snap because play couldn’t start until there are 29 seconds left on the 40-second clock.

Both Saban and his protégé Arkansas head man, Bret Bielema have ostensibly proposed the rule in the interest of player safety. But if you truly believe that argument (and your not a Bama or Arky fan, I have some beautiful beach front property I would like to sell you in the Arizona desert.

The proposal is nothing more than a direct assault on the No-Huddle, Hurry-Up offenses that three SEC West Teams use against Alabama and Arkansas. For example, Auburn would have been penalized four times against Alabama if the rule had been in effect in the 2013 Iron Bowl.

It’s a well known fact that both these men revealed their true intent last summer during SEC Media Days when Bret Bert told everyone he was going to make the proposal. Then Nick followed up by reiterating  a question to reporters he had brought up in 2012, “Should we allow football to be a continuous game? Is that the way the game was designed to play? Is this what we want football to be?” 

While Bielema told the committee he talked about it at the January meeting of the American Football Coaches Association (AFCA), mysteriously no one at the meeting remembers anything about it. In fact, Cincinnati Coach Tommy Tuberville, who serves on the board of AFCA, told the AP the subject never came up at the association’s annual convention.

To say that coaches across the country felt blindsided by the news would be an understatement. Mr. College Football Tony Barnhart said …

“There are a lot of really mad coaches at the way this rule change was handled.” ESPN polled the 125 Division I coaches and found that 93 were against any rule change that would alter the pace of the game.

Within hours of the almost clandestine way the proposal was handled, coaches began to speak out against the rule. The loudest outcry predictably came from Coaches who run fast paced offenses but not exclusively.

South Carolina Coach Steve Spurier immediately labeled it the “Saban Rule.” Spurrier told USA Today. “So, you want to talk about the ‘Saban Rule’? That’s what I call it. He took it upon himself to go before the rules committee and get it done.” He continued, “They tried to change the rules. But I don’t think they’re gonna get away with it. It’s ridiculous. Let’s let everybody keep playing the way they’ve been playing.”

There is not enough space to list all the comments but on the eve of the committee’s vote we have composed some of  the more interesting …

 Coaches’ response from around the nation:

* Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M – “There’s a number of problems with how it was handled, just popping up out of nowhere. It struck a bad nerve. All the evidence points to a meeting where one coach got in front of the committee to plead his case ….. There’s also another side to this whole issue. When it comes to player safety, no one can find a coach in college football that doesn’t make that paramount. There is no evidence out there that suggests that this is a player-safety issue. It’s a move to eliminate the amount of creativity that goes into the game, that’s bad for the sport.”

* Mark Richt, Georgia – “I feel like if you can train offensive players to play five or six plays in a row, you can train defensive players to play that many plays in a row, too. I personally don’t think it’s a health-issue deal.”

* Butch Jones, Tennessee – “I want to see data produced from an injury standpoint. I don’t want opinion. I want facts and figures. Show me the numbers … Every program has a style of play, just like every basketball team, from pressing to pushing the ball down the court. Same thing in football. That’s what makes this game; the strategy that goes behind it.”

* Noel Mazone, UCLA –  ” “Why don’t we just do away with the play clock and wait for the defense to say they’re ready? We could have the quarterback go over to the other team’s sideline and ask if it’s OK to snap the ball.”

* Kliff Kingsbury, Texas Tech said he thought Nick Saban was motivated by self-interest. “I mean he showed up to the meeting and made it be known, and I know that the last three losses he’s had have been against, you know, some up-tempo teams.”

* Bobby Bowden, Fla. State (retired) and Vince Dooley, Ga. (retired)  ”People like offense. Unless they can just show evidence that boys are injured by doing that … leave it alone. Leave it like it is.”

* Dabo Swinney, Clemson – “Most of the time, when you look at defenses, they rotate their defensive line the whole game. Those offensive linemen play just about every snap. So we’re going to sit here and cry for guys who are playing 30 snaps when you’ve got guys on the other side playing 70? Give me a break. It’s an agenda, that’s what it is … The whole thing is ridiculous.”

* Mike Leach, Washington State – “It’s irrational at every level, nothing about it makes sense… The thing that’s most shameful about this is it’s a clear manipulation, through self-interest, by people who don’t want to coach within the parameters where strategy and ingenuity [have] taken the game. So now they want to manipulate the rules, and in needing an excuse to do this, they try to hide behind player safety. It’s ridiculous.”

* Rich Rodriguez, Arizona – If there was big concern with (safety), wouldn’t the teams that practice fast be concerned with it? We don’t have any more injuries because we practice fast. Perhaps Rodriguez gave my favorite response when he made a you tube parody about the two whining twins. If you haven’t seen it, click on this link. It’s a must see video.

After the outpouring of coaches coming out against the Saban Rule, Bert and Nicky have felt the heat and are tweaking their argument. Bilema now says it’s not about injury but about deaths, callously and insensitively citing  a Cal player’s passing in an off season training incident as proof. He doggedly continues to say the rule will pass.

For his part, Saban (in an effort to restore his tarnished image) says he wants people to believe he had nothing to do with the 10 second rule. Sorry Nick, that dog just won’t hunt. It’s like Coach Spurier said, “(You) “took it upon yourself to speak to the Committee and try to persuade them to take action,” And “They (Bert and Nick) tried to change the rules. But I don’t think they’re gonna get away with it.”

I hope the Old Ball Coach is right. But I’m not so sure. The little emperor usually gets what he wants. One way or another.

Do you believe the NCAA Playing Rules Oversight Panel will pass some form of the Saban Rule?

  • No (75%, 400 Votes)
  • Yes (25%, 135 Votes)

Total Voters: 535

Loading ... Loading ...

Poll Closed

NFL Pro Day on The Plains (updated with video)

By Posted on: March 4th, 2014 in Football 1 Comment »
6487944 - Zach Clayton

Tennessee Titan’s DT Zack Clayton sacks Seattle’s Matt Flynn. Clayton got his chance with the Titans after Auburn’s 2010 Pro Day.

Today is NFL Pro day on The Plains and with Auburn coming off an SEC Championship year, there should be a lot of NFL scouts checking out several Tigers. In fact reports are that all 32 teams will be represented. It will especially be a big day for those who could not make it to the NFL Combine.

Jay Prosch is ready to show NFL scouts what he can do.

Jay Prosch is ready to show NFL scouts what he can do.

None bigger perhaps than for Fullback Jay Prosch, who despite being ranked the No. 3 fullback in the draft was not invited to the combine. Then there is Dee Ford and Chris Davis, both of  whom did not get to perform in Indianapolis.

Chris injured his ham string just days before the combine while preparing for the event. And as most know, Ford was held out by the NFL medical staff over concerns about a previous back injury. Coach Malzahn has assured NFL Teams that Dee had no problems with the old injury during the Tigers’ Championship season.

Look for all three to wow the scouts with their skill sets. However, just like Darren Bates in 2013, there will be several others from this class to earn chances with an NFL Club.

Sixteen Tigers will be performing for the scouts; players like Defensive end Nosa Eguae, defensive tackle Kenneth Carter, linebacker Jake Holland, punter Steven Clark, kicker Cody Parkey and defensive backs Ryan White and Ryan Smith.

It should be a fun day for those who participate. The Eyes of Auburn as well as the NFL Scouts will be on all our Tigers at the Auburn Pro Day. Good luck Tigers

Watch video of AU Pro Day including hearing comments from (in order) Dee Ford (starting at the 10:09 mark), Jay Prosch, Coach Malzahn, Tre Mason, Cody Parkey, and Greg Robinson, as they talk about Auburn’s Pro Day. 


Friday from the Eagle’s Nest

By Posted on: February 28th, 2014 in Featured Article, Football 15 Comments »

Oh, there’s Something Slowing Down Alright 
The NCAA announced this past week that the proposed ‘slow-down’ rule would soon be re-evaluated in the wake of overwhelming lack of support from head coaches. The new rule’s entire objective was to improve player safety, but thus far there have been no studies to show that it is necessary. The more that surfaces regarding the support for this proposal (or lack thereof) it is seemingly more likely that Nick Saban and a handful of other head coaches were able to essentially impose their will and blow this issue far out of proportion. There is college football’s true problem; hiding behind ulterior motives mind you.

Dabo Swinney recently spoke out regarding the true intent behind the major push from some coaches to have this rule implemented and I agree with his thoughts. Basically, this is a joke of a proposal when looking at the facts.

Kliff Kingsbury also feels the same or similar as Swinney and many other coaches. When asked if he thought Saban might have any self-interest in the rule being passed he had this to say:Kingsbury Quote

But it’s not just Nick Saban drawing the ire of fellow coaches and the media – Arkansas’ Bret Bielema has been a supporter of the ‘slow-down’ rule every step of the way as well and has made about as many wrong moves as possible in his attempts to push it forward. Bielema apologized last week after citing the death of University of Cal football player, Ted Agu, as evidence in favor of the proposal. Cal’s AD, Sandy Barbour, also weighed in on Bielema’s senseless remarks in regards to Agu as well. 

I’ve got to give him credit, Bielema managed to actually make it a week without putting himself back into the headlines. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that he’s pursuing a membership in the Flat Earth Society, so no news is great news for him. And since Bret seems so determined to take over Dan Mullen’s spot atop my list of most reviled coaches, go on over and check out this piece from Stewart Mandel that gives a full rundown of how hard Bielema has had it in Fayetteville since arriving.  

Tigers Turning Heads at NFL Combine
Jadaveon Clowney did everything at the NFL combine this past week except turn green and destroy a Japanese city. The former Gamecock posted a 40-yard dash time of 4.53 seconds – which isn’t faster than a grizzly bear- but I’d be willing to bet that it would make them pretty nervous that Clowney would be able to chase them that fast.

Speaking of grizzly bears and other giant, frightening, quickly moving things – Auburn’s own Greg Robinson put on a show of his own at the combine. Robinson’s 40-yard dash time clocked in at 4.92 seconds. Anything else that moves that fast and is bigger than he is, is having its oil changed every 3,000 miles. There are even some predicting that Robinson could go number 1 overall in the upcoming NFL draft.

Tre Mason has also received high praise this week, as USA Today named him the top running-back of the draft class for 2014. It is a much deserved honor for a player that will be missed this Fall on The Plains. 

Paula Deen Butter HushGirl, You Butter Stop!
As if Michael Sam didn’t have a big enough burden to shoulder this past week – with ESPN constantly reminding everyone that Michael Sam is the first openly gay football player to participate in the combine or join an NFL team or wear low-top cleats – Paula Deen recently compared her struggle to salvage her public image to that of Sam’s after openly declaring he was gay earlier this year. Honestly, she could have paralleled her recent public turmoil to that of the Stay Puft Marshmallow man’s rise and fall in Ghostbusters and not come across half as stupid as this does. It’s like she wants to mess it up on purpose. This is America. The fattest country on Earth. Paula Deen is, if nothing else, a master chef when it comes to deep-frying food and cooking things that aren’t in the same galaxy as healthy and she still finds a way to fall out of favor with the public. Paula! Stop saying things!

Barry Switzer Keeping it Real
Switzer first made headlines this week, when he referred to Johnny Manziel as an “arrogant little prick,” but little did we know that he was just getting started. He went on to add that Manziel was the “best he’d ever seen” regarding college quarterbacks, but he wasn’t done talking about that position.

In a radio interview yesterday, after being asked about how he would evaluate his quarterback position, he had this to say:
Switzer QB Quote

Wow. Barry and Paula must share a publicist.


NCAA Fiction

By Posted on: February 25th, 2014 in Football 4 Comments »

Early morning, apartment interior. Coach Craig and Coach Grimes enter. Coach Craig - Hey kids - The two men stroll inside.

Nick Saban, a young blond-haired surfer kid with a “Flock of Seagulls” haircut, who has yet to say a word, lies on a couch with a hamburger in his hand. Bret Beilema, a white, preppy-looking sort with a buzzcut.

Coach Grimes and Coach Craig take in the place, with their hands in their pockets. Coach Craig is the one who does the talking.

Coach Craig - How you boys doin’? - No answer - Am I trippin’, or did I just ask you a question?

Bret - We’re doin’ okay. As Coach Craig and Bret talk, Coach Grimes moves behind the young Guys.

Coach Craig - Do you know who we are?

Bret shakes his head – No

Coach Craig - We’re associates of your fellow SEC coach Gus Malzahn. You remember your fellow coach dont’ya? - No answer - (to Bret) - Now I’m gonna take a wild guess here: you’re Bret, right?

Bret - I’m Bret.

Coach Craig - I thought so. Well, you remember your fellow SEC coach Gus Malzahn dont’ya Bret?

Bret - I remember him.

Coach Craig - Good for you. Looks like me and Coach Grimes caught you at breakfast. Sorry ’bout that. What’cha eatin’?

Bret - Hamburgers.

Coach Craig - Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda hamburgers?

Bret - Cheeseburgers.

Coach Craig - No, I mean where did you get’em? MacDonald’s, Wendy’s, Jack-in-the-Box, where?

Bret - Big Kahuna Burger.

Coach Craig - Big Kahuna Burger. That’s that Hawaiian joint. I heard they got some tasty burgers. I ain’t never had one myself, how are they?

Bret - They’re good.

Coach Craig - Mind if I try one of yours?

Bret- No Coach Craig grabs the burger and take a bite of it.

Coach Craig - Uuummmm, that’s a tasty burger - (to Coach Grimes) - J.B, you ever try a Big Kahuna Burger? Coach Grimes shakes his head.  You wanna bite, they’re real good. Well, if you like hamburgers give ’em a try sometime. Me, I can’t usually eat ‘em ’cause my girlfriend’s a vegetarian. Which more or less makes me a vegetarian, but I sure love the taste of a good burger. (to Bret) You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?

Bret - No.

Coach Craig - Royale with Cheese, you know why they call it that?

BRET - Because of the metric system?

Coach Craig - Check out the big brain on Bret! You’a smart mother, that’s right. The metric system. (he points to a fast food drink cup) What’s in this?

Bret - Sprite.

Coach Craig -Sprite, good, mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down? Coach Craig grabs the cup and takes a sip.

Coach Craig - Uuuuummmm, hit’s the spot! - (to Coach Saban) - You, Flock of Seagulls, you know what we’re here for?

Coach Saban nods his head: Yes

Coach Craig - Then why don’t you tell my boy here J.B., where you got the rule change draft.

Bret - It’s in the cupb –

Coach Craig – I don’t remember askin’ you a damn thing (to Coach Saban) You were sayin’?

Coach Saban - It’s in the cupboard.

Coach Grimes looks in the cupboard, reaches inside and pulls out a black snap briefcase. Coach Grimes flips the two locks, opening the case. We can’t see what’s inside, but a small glow emits from the case. Coach Grimes just stares at it, transfixed.

Coach Craig We happy? No answer from the transfixed Coach Grimes. Coach Grimes! Coach Grimes looks up at Coach Craig. We happy?

Coach Grimes closes the case. Oh yeah, we’re happy.

Bret (to Coach Craig) Look, what’s your name? I got his  name’s J.B., but what’s yours?

Coach Craig - My name’s Daymeune, and you ain’t talkin’ your butt outta this one.

Bret - I just want you to know how sorry we are about how messed up things got between us and Coach Malzahn. When we entered into this thing, we only had the best intentions…

As Bret talks, Coach Craig takes out his gun and SHOOTS Coach Saban three times in the chest. Grimes smiles to himself. Coach Craig has got style. Bret is in shock. He’s not crying or whimpering, but he’s so full of fear, it’s as if his body is imploding.

Coach Craig (to Bret) Oh, I’m sorry. Did that break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do
that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about “best intentions.”

Bret is speechless, staring at the body of Nick Saban

Coach Craig Oh, you were finished? Well, allow me to retort. Would you describe for me what Coach Malzahn looks like?

Bret still can’t speak. Coach Craig SNAPS, SAVAGELY TIPPING the card table over, removing the only barrier between himself and Bret. Bret now sits in a lone chair before Coach Craig like a political prisoner in front of an interrogator. What country you from!

Bret (petrified) W-What?

Coach Craig -“What” ain’t no country I know! Do they speak English in “What?”

Bret (near heart attack) What?

Coach Craig English-dummy! Do-you-speak- it!?

Bret - Yes!

Coach Craig - Now describe what Coach Malzahn looks like!

Bret (out of fear) What?

Coach Craig takes his .45 and PRESSES the barrel to Bret’s forehead.

Coach Craig - Say “What” again! C’mon, say “What” again! I dare ya, I double dare ya dummy, say “What” one more damn time! Bret is regressing on the spot. Now describe to me what Gus Malzahn looks like!

Bret does his best. Bret Well he’s… he’s… white

Coach Craig – Go on!

Bret …and he’s… he’s… got glasses

Coach Craig – Does he substitute illegally?!

Bret (without thinking) What?

Coach Craig’ eyes go to Coach Grimes, Coach Grimes smirks, Coach Craig rolls his eyes and SHOOTS Bret in the shoulder. Bret SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the chair. Does-he-substitute-illegally?!

Bret (in agony) No!

Coach Craig - Then why did you try to slow him down?!

Bret (in spasm) I didn’t!

Coach Craig - Yes you did Bret! Ya tried ta slow him down. And Gus don’t like slowing down for anyone but Mrs. Malzahn! You ever read the NCAA rules, Bret?

Bret (in spasm) Yes.

Coach Craig There’s a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Rule 3, Section 5, Article 2, subsection E - ”While in the process of substitution or simulated substitution, Team A is prohibited from rushing quickly to the line of scrimmage with the obvious attempt of creating a defensive disadvantage. If the ball is ready for play, the game officials will not permit the ball to be snapped until Team B has placed substitutes in position and replaced players have left the field of play. Team B must react promptly with its substitutes.”

The two men empty their guns at the same time on the sitting Bret.

Saban Continues to Circle the Drain

By Posted on: February 24th, 2014 in Football 12 Comments »
Nick Saban, Bret Bielema

Last week was not the best for Nick Saban. After being openly bashed by multiple, big-name coaches over his attempted end-around to slow down the HUNH, his reputation has taken a hit not seen since he lied to the Miami Dolphins about his future some seven years ago.

Not only has his credibility been called into question, it appears now that his moronic proposal is all but dead. He can partly thank his partner in crime, Arkansas coach Bret Bielema.

Bielema’s the sleaziest coach in the SEC and that’s saying a lot considering Dan Mullen is still around. He was called on the carpet this week by California athletic director Sandy Barbour following the death of Bear football player Ted Agu on February 7th.

Shockingly, Bielema tried to bring Agu’s recent death into the discussion about the Hurry-Up, No Huddle offense. The remarks sent Barbour into orbit, tweeting this week:

“Bret Bielema’s comments about our Ted Agu are misinformed, ill-advised and beyond insensitive.”

Barbour went on to write: “Using the tragic loss of one of our student athletes as a platform to further a personal agenda in a public setting is beyond inappropriate.”

This is who Nick Saban has aligned himself with now.

Writing about Saban two weeks in a row is something I try to stay away from, but it’s just too good to pass up. It’s like he’s completely lost his mind. And now he’s drawn criticism from his own fans by being named in a lawsuit over a proposed Mercedes dealership in Birmingham.

It appears he wants to put his name on every new Mercedes sold in Jefferson County. Doesn’t he know that Alabama fans don’t drive Mercedes? Does he really believe an Auburn person will drive one with his name on it? Who’s going to buy?

I’m telling you, this guy is slowly losing his mind. Who knew that one second would have such an effect on a man’s psyche? This reminds me of the good ole days with Mike Shula…

Call it boredom, but I found myself watching coverage of the NFL Combine over the weekend. I knew Greg Robinson was special, but he has a legitimate shot to be a superstar in the NFL. ESPN’s Mel Kiper now has him listed as the top lineman in this year’s class.

A big surprise is who Kiper has as the top punter: Steven Clark. Following his performance in the postseason all-star games, he’s jumped three spots on Kiper’s board and now sits at the top.

I’m shocked that Jay Prosch was not invited to the Combine. If there was ever a fullback that had NFL written all over him, it’s Prosch. Despite not being invited, Kiper has him listed as the third best fullback in the class.