Good Monday morning to all of you. It seems that my post on Friday about the top five college coaching jobs in America got the Bama Nation riled up. Some little twit who couldn’t find Tuscaloosa with a road map, a GPS and Magellan in the passenger seat attacked me personally in a fanpost at Roll Bama Roll for not including Alabama among the top five coaching jobs – Quit laughing.
I know, it was absolutely hilarious. You could just feel the anger and resentment in his post. It was golden. I’ve sent it to everybody I know. It just sums up how delusional Alabama fans still are about their school.
I realize a lot of people like to bang on Roll Bama Roll because of its content. And true, it does veer from athletics from time-to-time; but in full disclosure I have to say that I believe Todd and his team do a damn good job over there. I don’t get to visit as much as I’d like, but when I do, I find their coverage excellent – and yes, I admit I do enjoy the coverage outside of athletics. Don’t shoot me.
But what I like most are the fans that frequent the site. The majority of them are good folks who seem to be level headed and objective. Sure they call us lame names and that’s cool with me. It’s good for the rivalry.
But what keeps me reading are the delusional ones who still believe Alabama is relevant. I just picture these people sitting around their trailers, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon on their plaid couches with the kids running around in only a diaper and Paul Finbaum playing on the radio. On the wall next to George Wallace is a faded picture of Bear Bryant. Can you picture it? If you ever want to feel good about Auburn, spend an afternoon listening to some Finebaum callers. All of them are cast straight from “My Name is Earl.”
I could bang on these people all day, but let’s move on. I want to address why Alabama is not among the top five coaching jobs in the country and why they probably aren’t among the top five in the SEC. Here we go…
- Probation – Probation – Probation - Has there been a more scandal plagued, rogue program in the nation over the past 15 years? Paying a quarter of a million dollars to an underperforming lineman brings into question not only ethics, but sanity. By the way, whatever happened to Gene Jelks? And now just as timely as the morning paper, it appears the “Textbook Five” are sending Bama starring right back into the barrel of another round of probation – you’ve got to hate that pesky “repeat offender” status. Even worse, that’s just the appetizer. It looks like the NCAA is spending a beautiful spring in Gasden. Can you have a top five program if you don’t actually have a team? We’ll find out.
- You need to be successful. Considering the Tide has lost seven of its last nine to its cross state rival and has largely been irrelevant for the past decade, this hardly has coaches clamoring to get to Tuscaloosa. Had Nick Saban not been drowning in Miami, its likely Joe “I’m a Screamer” Kines would be walking the sidelines today. The list of who turned the job down three years ago was longer than the unemployment line in Tuscaloosa County.
- The Mikes - Mike Dubose, Mike Price, Mike Shula. If the job is so good why are the coaches so bad? Enough said.
- The Bear is still dead. Is there anything more embarrassing than watching these coeds wear those stupid houndstooth hats? Being from the state of Alabama, I cringe every time a national television program shows one of these idiots wearing that goofy hat. For the one hundredth time, I’ll say it again – Paul Bryant has done more to hurt Alabama in death than he ever did while coaching on the field. Do yourself a favor and forget about him. He’s not coming back.
- Alabama is number two in its own state. I continually laugh at how Alabama people stick out their chest with pride because they finally fielded a decent football team – nevermind that embarrassing blowout to Utah. The Tide athletic program is pretty much inferior to Auburn’s in every way. Look across the board at all sports. They are mediocre at best. With probation looming in football and Saban just a phone call away from leaving, it’s likely the football team’s success this past year is just an anomaly.
In the final analysis, Alabama’s head coaching job falls behind those at Florida, LSU, Georgia, Tennessee and Auburn. If you don’t believe me, just look at the motley crew of coaches who’ve taken the job over the past decade. Better yet, look at the name coaches who’ve turned it down.
It’s got to be tough being a Bama fan over these past 25 years. To all of those who spoke ill of me over at Roll Bama Roll, I forgive you. I understand the hurt and frustration you must be feeling. I have you in my prayers.