Happy Bammer Hate Week to one and all! That time of year is now here. It’s that special week where we give thanks to the Lord for all that he hath given us, while at the same time raining our undying, eternal hatred down on the trailer trash, inbred, uneducated, redneck, Updyke-esque, hypocritical, disgusting, deluded sacks of excrement otherwise known as Alabama fans. Sure, we hate them all the time, but for one week a year it’s just a bit more intense. I am particularly fond of this week, because it is the one week a year that my crass, loud, and perpetually disgusted manner is somewhat appreciated by the readers of Trackemtigers.com, because it is directed mostly at the Updykes.
This year’s Iron Bowl has implications far beyond simple Alabama state pride. Starting with the fact that the last four BCS national titles have come from the state, this year the winner of the game has a very good chance of playing for yet another National Championship. Of course, either team will have to win the SEC championship game as well, but the chances are good.
Alabama no doubt controls its own destiny, but Auburn likely would need a bit of help from Ohio State. I am normally not one to speculate, but this season is unlike any other. We are all the way down the rabbit hole at this point, and I see no reason to try to climb out.
If Auburn wins the game, and the SEC championship game, we have a better than average chance of playing for the National Championship. Ohio State still has the Big (whatever) championship game against a very good Michigan State team, as well as a rivalry game against Michigan. Ohio State is almost completely untested this year and most of last year. They just gave up 35 points to a very bad Illinois team. Sure, they have won twenty plus games in a row, but if Auburn played their schedule, you can bet we would have most likely done the same thing. It’s very easy to win when you are playing Sister Mary’s Technical School for the Blind every week.
Still, they are undefeated, while Auburn has a loss. Mind you, Auburn’s one loss was to the number six team in the country (at the time), on the road, in terrible weather. But they still have the number one in the L column, while Ohio State has a zero. There is a lot of speculation on what would happen, though. If Auburn wins out, the computers will almost certainly jump Auburn over Ohio State because of the strength of schedule factor. Auburn will likely be number 1 in all the computer polls, while being number 3 in the human polls. Would that be enough to put them into the BCSNC game above an undefeated Ohio State?
I’d say at this point it is a coin flip.
Make no mistake about it, though. This Saturday brings to the Plains the Queen Mother of all big games. This will be the biggest Iron Bowl in decades. It’s not an unusual occurrence for the Iron Bowl to have National Championship implications. However, it is extremely rare for an end of season rivalry game to feature TWO teams that have a realistic shot at the National Championship. The stakes have never been higher.
Looking at the tale of the tape, the Updykes are viewed as unbeatable by most of their idiot fans and moronic talking heads on ESPN. Even after a lethargic performance against Mississippi State and displaying numerous weaknesses throughout the year, Nick Saban is still a Godlike figure that walks on water, turns wine into five star recruits, and has a male organ the size of a baby humpback whale. According to them, Auburn will be nothing more than a minor annoyance as Alabama crashes through us on their way to a third straight BCSNC for their God-knows-how-many-eth title. Most of the sportswriter world thinks that Auburn would save everybody a whole lot of trouble if we’d simply roll over and die, carefully falling into a position so the Updykes don’t hurt an ankle or something while they are walking over our corpses.
Go ahead and think that, boys. We know better.
Despite what ESPN would love you to think, Alabama is by NO means invincible. Not even close. There are so many things that make this so, and it consistently amazes me how many people turn their heads and try not to see it. A few things that come to mind are:
- It’s a Rivalry game. Throw the stat book out the window. It doesn’t matter how good or how bad one or another team is. You ALWAYS have a chance to win.
- Alabama’s offense has been quite lethargic at times this year, while Auburn’s offense has been nothing short of spectacular. Auburn has scored points against EVERYBODY this year, and Texas A&M proved that Bama’s vaunted defense can get their butts handed to them just like everybody else.
- Nick Saban has ALWAYS had problems with mobile quarterbacks in spread offenses. In fact, this is the only type of team that has given him trouble in the last half decade. Nick Marshall, along with all his supporting cast of options and athletes are Saban’s worst nightmare to defend against. History has proven it.
- Perhaps the most important thing is coupled with Saban’s hatred of mobile QB spread offenses. It is the fact that Nick Saban hates the Hurry-up-no-huddle offense from the deepest depths of his soul. The HUNH has long been Saban’s Achilles’ heel. Why? Because Nick Saban is a package man. He LOVES to substitute often, and he has a package for every situation. He has one for 1st and 10, 3rd and long, 3rd and short, 2nd and long…….EVERYTHING. He wants different personnel in for lots of different situations, and the HUNH takes that away from him. He HATES that. Why do you think he was whining and wailing with Bret Bielima at the beginning of the year?
This is without a doubt one the biggest game of the year so far, and the biggest Iron Bowl in a long time. But even putting aside the National Championship implications, every true Auburn fan wants to win this game more than a BCSNC. I want to win this game more than anyone can possibly imagine. I don’t hate the University of Alabama, mind you. Not at all. I hate their fans. I HATE THEM.
I hate their fictional, made up national championship count. Newsflash: When some now defunct hillbilly hick publication back in the 1940’s declares you national champions when you didn’t even win your own conference, you still suck.
I hate their inbred incestous fans and their toothless drain-on-society children named things like “Rammer” and “Jammer” who’s pathetic existence I pay for out of my hard earned tax dollars.
I hate the way they worship Bear Bryant as the greatest coach ever when most of the scholarship limit rules in the NCAA were written specifically because of the unethical way he did things.
I hate their stupid mascot. Their mascot is an elephant, and their team name is ‘Crimson Tide’. What the hell is that? Is that what happens when the elephant gets diarrhea? I don’t see the relevance.
I hate their current coach. He is a money grubbing, arrogant, lying, hypocritical, unethical, cheating piece of excrement that happens to be a good football coach.
I hate their stupid, single-digit IQ, truck decorating redneck fanbase that has never even set foot on campus and cheers for Alabama simply because it gives their pathetic life a small glimmer of meaning.
I hate the way that they make it impossible for me to cheer for an SEC team to win the National Championship when they are playing in it because the thought of living with their insufferable turd fans for another year makes me want to shove a hand blender into my ear and turn my brain into a miasma of grey goop so I no longer have the capability to comprehend their idiocy.
I could go on forever, but I’ll stop it here.
This is the game we have all been waiting for. This is the chance we have all been waiting for. We can beat their sorry rear ends and snatch a BCSNC right from under their Updyke turd noses. We may never have another chance like this. This is the one we’ve been waiting for as long as we’ve loved our Alma Mater. To Coach Malzhan: Go out there and take it. We’re behind you.