2012 Auburn Football Fright-Fest
Watching Auburn football has been nothing short of a nightmare this year. Sloppy offense, questionable team chemistry, and costly missed opportunities are just a few of the many issues the program now finds itself tangled in. Auburn is likely to not have a single conference victory this season, and stands a reasonable chance at not winning another game. I’d say that qualifies as ‘spooky.’
So gather ‘round the campfire boys and girls for the 2012 Track’Em Tigers “Fright-Fest” just in time for Halloween.
<ROBERT STACK VOICE:> Disappearances, UFO’s, Sasquatch, Who framed Roger Rabbit? – Mankind has long struggled to understand these and other similar unexplained events. Tonight I will take you on a journey to the edge of bizarre. A journey so mysterious that you will begin to question your own sanity.
<THEME SONG>….DOON DOON DOON DEENT DOON DEENT DOONT – DOON DOON DOON DEENT DOONDEENDOONT – DOON DOON DOON DEENT DOON DEENT DOONT – DOON DOON DOON DEENT DOONDEENDOONT
Scot Loeffler must have a Cullen in his family tree somewhere. I’ve never seen a man suck the life out of anything as quickly and efficiently as he has with the Auburn offense. There are full-time janitors that don’t sweep as much as Onterio McCalebb does. I’m beginning to wonder if he slept walk and left his playbook in a broom closet and he’s too embarrassed to tell anyone. That would at least explain a small portion of the bizarre play-calling we’ve all witnessed. Wildcat anyone? I didn’t think so.
To be honest I am not all that unhappy with what Van Gorder has done with defense. I think they’ve (the defense) played well in most of the games thus far and have given us a fair chance to win more times than not. It’s not to say there have not been struggles, but when compared to this year’s offense and any defense we’ve had since Tuberville left, I’ll take what we’ve gotten so far. It is also nice to see a coach on the sideline have a pulse. This team needs someone with a fire lit underneath to spread that desire around. We haven’t had much of that under Chizik.
I willfully admit I don’t even know much about the the movie ‘Eraserhead.’ I know it is really strange and there is a man flying a planet that is actually someone’s head (I think). When I think about that I wonder what Jay Jacobs does all day when he isn’t improving many of the struggling athletic programs at Auburn. Maybe he’s just flying his planet/spaceship/head thing through space and stealing Under Armour shirts from the supply closet when he gets up to stretch his legs. I also like to imagine he and Pat Dye sitting in his office throwing darts at old Terry Bowden jerseys (the ones with the orange drop-shadows) and listening to “Glory Days” on repeat.
Has a national championship coach fallen on the wrong side of this fan base as quickly as Chizik has? Larry Coker probably has some inspiring words, but I can’t help but think that Chizik has begun adding to the end of the trail Larry Coker made on his way into the jungle of “well, that escalated quickly.”
In all seriousness, Chizik faces a lot of tough (and fair) questions at season’s end. Unless something drastically changes, he’s at least carrying a total whiff of an offensive coordinator hire with him into his end of season “evaluation.” However, the overall performance of the team on the field as well as continued discipline issues likely point to much larger problems within the program. Let’s hope that he can get things turned around and avoid becoming the answer to a trivia question.
All of these issues layered on top of one another can get really overwhelming. Luckily for us Auburn faithful we’ve got some in-state help to assist us in keeping track of what is going on with our football team. Enter Paul Finebaum. How the national media remains blind to the fact that this man is an Alabama Crimson Tide disciple is beyond me. He isn’t the Jerry Springer of college football – Jerry Springer is the Paul Finebaum of day-time talk shows. I know the worst thing you can do is give someone who is annoying you the attention that feeds their behavior, but in certain moments I can’t help but become slightly peeved that we (Auburn) can somehow maintain a steady stream of negative coverage from a certain nationally syndicated SEC radio program regardless of how successful we are or aren’t on the football field.
Want to know what’s going on in Tennessee Vol practice this week? Sorry, we’re covering a lost cell phone story of a football player coming out of Auburn. Plus, Danny Sheridan will be on at the top of the hour to discuss how much he enjoyed
working with the cast of ‘The Walking Dead’ his recent rendezvous with the bag-man that provided the Newtons with $200,000 cash and the map to a cache of World War II era Nazi blood-diamonds.
Don’t let the frightening path of the football program scare you into putting down your orange and blue in favor of something less than AUsome. We’ve been tricked for the better part of our season; perhaps it is time we were treated to a performance to remember under the lights tomorrow night in Jordan-Hare.
War Eagle! Beat Texas A&M!